Highway 95 repaving is ‘SUS’

This is a revelation that demands public attention! The recent transformation of Hwy 95 in Bullhead City, from a teeth-rattling gauntlet into a path of buttery smooth goodness, has led me to an astonishing hypothesis: This is no mere road improvement project. No! This is a cunningly veiled conspiracy, masterminded by the Arizona Department of Transportation (ADOT), the Highway Patrol, and perhaps even higher echelons of our bureaucracy.
Why, after years of enduring Hwy 95 that felt more like an obstacle course, have we suddenly been gifted with such butter spreading smoothness? The answer, I know in my heart, is both diabolical and ingenious. By making the road irresistibly smooth, these agencies have laid the perfect trap for unwitting motorists. The smoother the road, the harder it is to resist the urge to speed, and the easier it becomes for the Highway Patrol to fill their coffers with speeding tickets.
Just the other day, a car sped past me while I was doing the speed limit… like I always do. But when I looked over to see the culprit? It’s a mid-80’s grandma, barely stretching her little neck to see over the dash… Are you telling me she knew she was speeding?! They clearly have tricked her into their scheme.
Think about it. Historically, Hwy 95 has been notorious for its rough terrain, causing drivers to instinctively slow down, less out of respect for the law and more for the survival of their vehicles’ suspensions. But now, with the road as smooth as a freshly Zambonied ice rink, maintaining a modest speed feels almost unnatural. It’s as if your car is being magnetically pulled to go faster, effortlessly gliding over the asphalt.
And let’s not overlook the timing of these improvements. After years of neglect, why now? Why these specific stretches of road? I suspect it’s no coincidence that the project’s completion aligns so perfectly with a period when the state’s coffers could use a little boost. The decision to conduct most of the construction work at night – ostensibly to minimize traffic disruption – seems almost too considerate, doesn’t it? It’s as if they wanted to avoid drawing too much attention to their grand scheme.
This buttery smooth conspiracy might seem far-fetched to some. But in an era where skepticism is a valuable asset, one must question the motives behind such sudden and drastic improvements. Could it really be just a benign effort to make our commutes more pleasant? Or is it a clever ruse to lull us into a false sense of security, even as we unwittingly inch closer to the speed trap’s snare?
Furthermore, one can’t help but ponder the psychological aspect of this smoothness. Could it be that we are being subtly conditioned to associate the bliss of driving on such a road with the thrill of speeding? A sort of Pavlovian response to asphalt perfection? It’s not just our wallets at risk here; it’s our very perception of driving. Before we know it, we might find ourselves longing for the good old days of bumpy roads as a natural speed deterrent.
While we may enjoy the newfound smoothness of Hwy 95, let us not be complacent. Keep those eyes on the speedometer, fellow citizens, for the road ahead is not just smooth – it’s suspiciously, conspiratorially, buttery smooth. Or, as my son would say, “That’s SUS[pect], Dad!”
— Jeremy Webb